Regarding 'An Open Letter to Husbands'

Yesterday, a friend of mine posted a link on her Facebook page. A wonderful author, Lysa TerKeurst, had posted an 'open letter' to all the husbands out there. Her intent was to both provide a forum for discussion and to perhaps make people take a look at their own relationships and see where positive changes might be made. I am sure the men reading this description are already thinking, "Great, one more article about what terrible husbands we are", and the women are thinking, "Amen, someone finally said what I have been thinking all along."

Here is a link to the original article, so you can appreciate it for yourself, and understand the true context:

 

http://lysaterkeurst.com/2012/01/a-letter-to-husbands/

I had clicked the link, read the article, and returned to my friend's wall to post my comments. Maybe I was feeling a little too sure of myself, or maybe as a man who is proud of his efforts but certainly not perfect, I was thinking defensively and just wanted to have my opinion heard, but I posted:

Maybe I am just a real-life Prince Charming? Maybe it has something to do with the wonderful woman I love? While Lysa's post offers some cute suggestions, I try much harder than that EVERY day. 

Most other respondents would have doubted me, thought I was simply boasting, or perhaps even heaped on some sarcasm at my high opinion of my relationship efforts, but not my friend. Her response was to express sincere happiness for me, and to ask a question...

"I have a wonderful husband, but sometimes we lose each other in the busyness of life. I want to be more intentional...what are some of the things you do??? :)

What follows is my response, which I have edited slightly from the original for this blog, making it more of an 'open letter' in the spirit of the author's original post than a direct response to the conversation my friend and I began. Trust me, none of the important parts have changed.

"You are correct that we often lose ourselves in the busyness of life,... but that we need to find opportunities to connect with those we love. My philosophy for happiness is simple, and Lysa wrote it perfectly:

 

 

“The heart of a woman longs to be thought of, adored, and noticed. Not because you’re obligated to do so because a date on the calendar demands it, but rather just because you love her.” 

 

 

There is never a day that passes where I do not remind her over and over how beautiful she is. From the fanciest dress for a night out to flannel pajamas, there will always be something to compliment.

I remind her every day that the children think of her as ‘Super Mommy’ and that I agree wholeheartedly. There is certainly praise for them for every accomplishment, for every good deed, for every kind word. Those examples I set carry along, both in my complimenting HER on the amazing children and the blessing they are, and also in that the children pick up on things they see and hear expressed, and learn the value of expressing their feelings in a positive way. Sure, it is nice to hear it from me, but when your 3yr old says, “Mommy, you’re so beautiful”, and he means it, that is a special thing for any mommy to hear.

I let her know simply by the way I cannot help but stare that she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. When a house is filled with that much love, and the constant laughter of children, there is no finer reward.

I try to do little things every day:

I pass along stories or pictures I find on the internet that pertain to a common interest. Some are serious, some are silly, and some I even add my own captions to so they are more personal. A few seconds in photo-editor makes a mundane picture from Yahoo about something laughed at over dinner last night into a keepsake. It is a way of saying, as often as I can, I am thinking of you RIGHT NOW.

 

 

The same applies to text messages or emails. Just a word now and then to say 'hello', or 'thanks again for that great thing you did for me', or 'I miss you'. I mix it up, different times of day, different sentiments. I keep it short so it does not impact work, and so it does not get routine, but I provide that constant reassurance every day.

I make sure every consideration is given to make her life easier and more comfortable. I would not get in bed at night, or get up off the couch, without first checking to see if I can bring her anything: Would you like a glass of water? Can I make you some tea? Do you need a Q-tip? Whatever. You worked hard today, at your career and as a mommy, so just lie there and I will take care of you.

I enjoyed Lysa’s wonderful suggestion about the post-it note over the weight readout on the scale that reads ‘PERFECT’, and that is just the sort of simple thing I enjoy injecting into life everyday. It is vital to practice both active AND passive praise.

So many people fall into the trap of thinking expressing love or showing appreciation is about spending money, is about giving ‘things’ and that is not at all what matters. Not that diamonds do not make a statement, they absolutely do. They are just not a gift, like unconditional love, that you can afford to give every day. 

I even take time now and then to write notes to HER mom, describing how much in love I am, how wonderful a blessing the children are, and thanking her mom(and dad) for the hard work and great parenting that they made HER the way she is. She is ‘Super Mommy’ because she HAD a ‘Super Mommy’.

 

 

I take advantage of every opportunity to do something nice, regardless of the occasion. It is always great to send flowers. What woman does not like that? But instead, dig out an old picture of the FIRST time you ever sent her flowers, back when your relationship was all so new. Email her that picture, and tell her ‘I still remember how I felt the day I sent you these. I love you more today than I ever have. Thank you for all these years.’ One costs $50, One is free. Which one brings tears to your eyes?


I think it is also vitally important to take notes. We are all busy. We are all stressed. We are certainly not perfect. We have too many things on our mind to remember everything. If you are at the mall, and she sees a dress she really likes, remember it. Maybe she does not have time to try it on with the children there, and errands to run, and a dozen other things going on at once. Remember it, make notes if you have to. Then stop on the way home from work the next day and buy it for her. She can try it on at home. If she doesn’t like it, you will happily bring it back tomorrow. This is the same for Christmas. A man should never fail to know what to get his wife for Christmas. If you make notes all year long, about things she mentioned, about things she pointed out, about things she wished aloud that she had, you will have your list. Pay attention to her every day and you will always know the perfect gift.


Importantly, I do not let HER outwork me. She has a career of her own, and then comes home and is 'mommy'. That means when I get home, there are things to do: Paint, clean, do the laundry, tackle whatever else is on the to-do list or whatever else I can find that will take some of the burden off her. I work as hard at home to try to succeed and get noticed as I would at work. Those who depend on me at home are more important to my success and happiness than those who depend on me at work. And the rewards are far greater.


Most importantly, please take a private moment each day to truly tell her how you feel. It is not enough to offer an ‘I Love You’ when you hang up the phone or before you go to sleep.


Ever since we were little children, we go to our knees each night to thank God for all the wonderful things in our life, all the blessings, all the love HE gives us everyday. Everyone needs to take just a minute of each day to do the same for the person they love most: Sit facing her. Tell her ‘thank you’. Tell her WHY you love her, and WHY she makes you so happy.

Work at bettering your relationship every day. Find little ways to make big smiles. Make her feel special. Make her feel pretty. Thank HER for the way YOU feel.

Maybe it is not just me? Maybe there is a little 'Prince Charming' in all of us? Show her! I am sure your Cinderella will thank you for it.